Forever !

The only thing visible at that moment was the ball of extinguishing fire, with grey sky behind it. Flocks of seagulls were returning to their homes. This coalescent among them made me relish their peace and calmness. I wondered if they had ever encountered sorrows or if they were content with their fates. I felt, the ocean today was also frustrated as if protesting against something undesired; because every time a wave greeted my feet it had audaciously borrowed some sand beneath my feet and I had to struggle a little to keep my balance.

I abstractedly shifted my gaze from the angry ocean to the other depth of calmness and the soft being. She was still fixed and motionless on the rock piece as she was some time back. She could easily be deceived for a sculpture; only her black hair and scarf fluttering on her shoulders felt alive. Her sight, I felt, somehow was trying to find something out of the waves ferociously chasing each other. I unintentionally glanced at her for a while and failed to decide if her expressions were more indulged in anguish or the scene I had just witnessed a short time before. This particular-but-now-so-common-picture made me sad more than ever.

I had always been helpless in finding her glittering eyes a way out of this hallow of grief. I could have never managed to forget the vividness of her dreams that always felt dancing in her eyes even when she was asleep and when awake, I had never dared meeting those sparks claiming to be the conqueror of unseen lands. A hurt ached my entire body as a pulse behind the bruises. I took a deep breath and my hand rested on my chest over my heart. I did not understand why she had sentenced her feelings lifelong; this is what I think because she had never confessed or blamed anyone but herself.

Her eyes, once flashy with the brightness of dreams depict the agitation of oceans now. I sighed and stretched my arm to call her back to the reality and hardly touched her shoulder. She lurched as if something pricked her in her profound slumber, probably she was not ready for that disturbance. She turned her head, she glinted me questioningly.
“It’s already evening Jiya, we should be back home by now.” I explained her keeping her transitional mental state in mind. I gasped with pain at her empty face, trying to comprehend. She was the one whose mind always worked and understood with others gestures only.
“Why Haadi?” I stopped myself from shrieking in misery and the unshed tears dissolved in my throat.
“Let’s go.” I reminded her not looking at her.

She tried to get up from the rock she was sitting on. She slipped; I couldn’t understand was it due to the depth of ocean beneath her foot or the depth of her thoughts wandering in her mind. I involuntarily leaned forward to hold her. I clinched her hand and helped her through the clumsy waves. I recalled, I had always asked her to walk on the beach but she every time had so lovingly refused and dragged me to this rocky shore.

I got back to reality when she clenched my hand just a fraction of her grip. I knew she wanted to ask me something. I knew what she wanted to ask me exactly. I held my breath and she did not move either. I knew she wanted me to look at her and it was the least desirable action for me to do with her hand in mine. I had never helped myself forbidding from doing anything she wanted me to do. I was helpless this time as well. I looked at her face trying to avoid meeting her gaze.
“Haadi ! You have forgiven me. Eh?”
I knew she knows the answer. I knew that she knows I won’t say what she wanted me to say. I turned my head to look at her and a painful hurt peeped in my eyes. I turned around to face her and managed a smile somehow. I covered the distance of a step parting us and clapped her frozen cheek soothingly from the other hand and this time I couldn’t help myself looking into her eyes.
“Yes, forever.”
I realized my voice was no more than a mumble. A tear rolled down her cheek and absorbed in my fingers. I, unknowingly, gently wiped off the trail of tear and asked her,
“Should we go now?”
She, after a long time that felt like decades, lifted her eyes and met my gaze. I felt my heart missing a beat and then pounding so fast probably faster than ever. Her hand was still held in one of mine and the other on her cheek and her vigilantly looking into my eyes. It wasn’t delinquency of either of us if I felt this moment as an eternity. Every beat of my heart craved to live this moment for all the times to come. I so wanted to kiss her dull eyes in an urge to color them again with dreams, her lost dreams. It was something foreign to my temper and emotions or it was the height of despair to see her happy. In a moment’s time when I was about to go for it under some trance, the very instant she smiled, raised her captive hand, pulled it from my grip and removed my hand from her cheek with the other. She wrapped my both hands in hers for half a moment and I felt as my life was draining out of my hands. She freed my hands and whispered,
“Yes, forever” that I hardly could understand.

The moment when the meaning flashed on me, my heart sank in the most horrible depth of unsurety. I do not know how long had I been drowning in the other ocean of unseen burn. When I returned to my conscious, the time had come that I always dreaded the most. She was gone. Yes. Forever.

I loved her, she knew that. I wanted to tell her she knew that either but she did not let me confess it. Why? I never understood but it revealed on me the moment I had just lived. Few things are supposed to be comprehended at the particular point of time already defined by the fate. I don’t know the time defined for my disclosure was the best or the worst but it had decided for me.

Now when I’ve been through all this I can’t also deny the fact that the instance of revelation makes everything visible. No matter how much we protest, just like the waves scribbled the lesson for me on the shore, with the sand that it had been taking away all the times. It took me time to realize but there are few questions I still do not manage to find the answers of.

“Love is not mathematics for what figures can be calculated for nor is Fate physics that should be according to some principles then why do they become mutually exclusive when it comes to life.”